So, this post is morbid and rather personal, but I had a horrible dream the other night, you know the kind where you wake up and feel all the emotions and remember everything vividly for quite a while afterward? Well, in this dream for whatever reason I had given Erick to another family. I know, weird and awful. I don't remember why. I ran into him and them a year or so down the road, and was trying my best to act natural and not come between them, if you know what I mean, when I chanced a look at him and saw there were tears streaming down his face. I completely lost it, grabbed him up in my arms and held him while we both cried and cried.
When I woke up I was devastated, as you can imagine, and although I can't trace the dream to anything in particular in my life, it occured to me to wonder what the situation would have to be like for me to give up my child to another family. Not a baby I couldn't care for, although I can't begin to imagine the painful experience that would be, but my child. The one I'd played peek-a-boo with countless times, helped ride a bike and listened to read over and over. The one I'd fix meals for, spent time at the hospital with and listened to his prayers for all these nights. For whatever reason (you decide) it hit me were I not doing the things I know I should be in this life, personally and in a spiritual sense, wouldn't I be gambling against that very situation someday?
We talk a lot about forever families, and working to live in the celestial kingdom together forever, and often I glaze over the downside of that. That if I'm not doing my very best personally, it won't matter much that I love that child more than anyone else. That I know his likes, dislikes, interests and how old he was when he last wet the bed. That he has a huge heart and a soft streak and loves to cuddle and tell me I'm the best mom in the world. The law our together forever-ness is predicated upon is clear.
Thinking about that this morning begged a follow-up question. So, what "favorite" sins in my life am I really unwilling to give up or trade for my child? I've never seen it that clearly before. It's interesting when you become a family that it's really not just about you anymore. It never was but somehow the people at Johnson and Johnson got it exactly right - having a baby DOES change everything. I hope that someday I don't lose what's most important to me because I can't give up the less-important things that would keep us apart.
6 comments:
Wow! What a touching post Laura. I had never thought of it quite like that, but it is true and scary at the same time.
I too often have strange and crazy dreams that make me feel very unsettled when I wake. Of course you can't pinpoint why your mind comes up with the random things it does, but it can make us thing and often appreicate the life we have been given.
I have been teaching my YW class lately about our purpose here on earth and eternal families. It really is true that there is so much we need to be doing to help see our dreams of being together come true. Thankfully perfection is not required, but simly doing our best each day.
Thanks for the reminder. It is always good to get my priorites in check and love my kiddos a little more each day!
Holy Moly that was a beautiful post! Thank you so much for sharing it with us. You are right...a lot of times we do gloss over that aspect of the downside. This was a wonderful perspective. Thank you for sharing! And for the record...I am pretty sure there isn't anything that YOU would trade your children for. You are a good mother.
I was just telling Amy the other day that you have such amazing and insightful dreams. I really can't imagine how devastating it would be to give up a child. Thanks for sharing. It gives me a lot to think about.
I do have crazy dreams, Shelly... I think sometimes I read too much into them, and sometimes maybe not enough. :-)
Thanks Zach - I sure love these critters! I look forward to seeing you as a dad in the not too distant future...
Thanks for the thought Cheryl that perfection isn't required. That's totally true, and I can't believe how much I lean on that. I still can't think too much on how that felt to see him with someone else, then to see him cry. It was truly awful. It's amazing what those little turkeys do to your heart. Even listening to the not-so-appealing argument going on in the background right now over which vsmile game to play I still can't doubt today just how much I love them!
This was amazing Laura! So thought provoking. And I thank you for sending my thoughts that direction! A good check up I say! Your family is beautiful and amazing and it's because of your dedication as a mother. THanks for sharing such a personal post. Just loved it. I think I'll go read it again :)
Isn't it interesting how perspective can motivate us to make changes in our lives that we would otherwise not. I guess that is why prayer and scripture study are so important (you know - they give us clear perspective about what is most important). When I read your post - I felt my eyes burn with tears with the prospect of ever losing my own little ones. Thanks for sharing your introspection!
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