Years ago I formed this correspondence with someone and kind of forgot about it, until I came across it again on a random website this afternoon. Who knew it was still out there somewhere? All I ever knew of it were the emails. The website is kind of interesting, although I think it was intended a comedy, because reading the other statements of faith from regular old believers like me was if nothing, inspiring. I was young and dumb here, and more than a little innocent in my statements of belief. I remember thinking he was joking, but trying really hard to be the better person, if you will. I cringe a little when I read it now because of things like the "Brother Marriott" and "upper class" references, but I guess like I said, I was young and naieve. Anyway, although this conversation took place in 1996 when I was a sophomore at BYU, and because I believe still what I believed then, I copied it and pasted it here, 10 years later, just for fun.
From: Michael Page
To: Laura Swenson laurasan@xmission.com
Subject: Seeking more information
Dear Believer: After careful study of the information about your religion I found that a lot of your ideology might suit me. I wouldlike to know what does your doctrine offer that I can't get from another sect such as Scientology? Even though Ifind Scientology extremely overpriced, the literature is east to understand and they do have a lot of celebrities. I amcurrently looking for a theology which is not very complex, rigorous or expensive, offers an easy passage to heavenand hopefully is tax deductible. Thank you for your time and I am awaiting your response.
Michael Page
P.S. Do you have any well-known celebrities belonging to your establishment?
From: Laura Swenson laurasan@xmission.com
To: Michael Page
Subject: Seeking more information
Hello! It was wonderful to hear from you as a fellow scholar of religion, I hope that I may be able to address yourconcerns in an appropriate manner, and in the way that the Lord would have me do, because it is only through Himthat true intelligence comes. Your message to me included the following line:
>"I am currently looking for a theology which is not very complex, rigorous or expensive, offers an easy passage to heaven and hopefully is tax deductible."
I feel it my responsibility to testify to you that the gospel of Jesus Christ is simple, concise, and divine in nature andpurpose. This is not to say that living it appropriately doesn't constitute some time allowance and guidelines forliving. We were all taught the eternal truths of salvation before we came to this earth, and to hear them here is not tolearn them, but to recognize them once again and realize their authenticity. Once a testimony of the truths beingtaught is gained, living the principles is not difficult, because we understand the reasons for them. To an outsideobserver they may seem rigorous, when in fact they are liberating in many ways. The part about a religion beingexpensive is in interesting statement that if you would like, I could respond to with further elaboration on the subject,but let it be enough for now to say that I do not pay any "dues" in order to be a member of the Church of JesusChrist of Latter-day Saints. To the point, and I hope that I am not offensive in this statement, but it sounds to me as if you are looking for moreof a hobby to fill your time with, whereas what you are investigating is not only a religion, but a way of life. It is somuch deeper than a hobby, and infinitely more fulfilling, because it's true, and it's a gift from our Heavenly Father tous. The following is a list of our basic beliefs and behaviors, for your information.
The Articles of Faith of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints History of the Church, Vol. 4, pp. 535-541Articles of Faith
1 WE believe in God, the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost.Articles of Faith
2 We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, and not for Adam's transgression.Articles of Faith
3 We believe that through the atonement of Christ, all mankind may be saved, by obedience to the laws andordinances of the Gospel.Articles of Faith
4 We believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; second,Repentance; third, Baptism by immersion for the remission of sins; fourth, Laying on of hands for the gift of the HolyGhost.Articles of Faith
5 We believe that a man must be called of God, by prophecy, and by the laying on of hands by those who are inauthority, to preach the Gospel and administer in the ordinances thereof.Articles of Faith
6 We believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, namely, apostles, prophets, pastors,teachers, evangelists, and so forth.Articles of Faith
7 We believe in the gift of tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions, healing, interpretation of tongues, and so forth.Articles of Faith
8 We believe the Bible to be the word of God as far as it is translated correctly; we also believe the Book ofMormon to be the word of God.Articles of Faith
9 We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe that He will yet reveal manygreat and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God.Articles of Faith
10 We believe in the literal gathering of Israel and in the restoration of the Ten Tribes; that Zion (the NewJerusalem) will be built upon the American continent; that Christ will reign personally upon the earth; and, that theearth will be renewed and receive its paradisiacal glory.Articles of Faith
11 We claim the privilege of worshipping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allowall men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.Articles of Faith
12 We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining thelaw.Articles of Faith
13 We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may saythat we follow the admonition of Paul--We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, andhope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seekafter these things.
Joseph Smith.
Please feel free to let me know if you have any further questions or comments. :)
Very sincerely,
Laura Swenson
laurasan@xmission.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The one great God looked down and smiledAnd counted each his loving child;For Turk, and Brahmin, Monk, and JewHad reached Him through the Gods they knew."~Harry Romaine
From: Michael Page
To: Laura Swenson laurasan@xmission.com
Subject: Seeking more information
Dear: Laura Thank you for your reply. I skimmed over the Article of Faiths which you included in your email to me. From thefew that I read, they sound interesting. It seems that there would be a lot of reading involved in your religion, wouldyou happen to have any of your teachings on audio or video cassettes, so if I decide to join I can save somevaluable time? After doing more research into you theology I learned that I would have to wear a special undergarment. If this isindeed true, what colors do they come in, and do they cost extra, or do you throw them in for the same price? I also understand that the Marriott hotel chain is Mormon owned. Do you have any special vacation discounts,which come included, since I plan on traveling in Pittsburgh over the summer? Although I do not travel much I thinkit might be a valuable service to have. I also heard that polygamy is accepted in your religion although I did not see this advertised on your homepage. If itis indeed so, I think I might be very interested in joining your organization since no other religion I researched offersthis. It was also brought to my attention that it is required for all Mormons to contribute 10% to the church. If it is thecase, would this be before taxes or after, and is it deductible? Thank you for your time and to eliminate any future requests can you please include an application with your reply.
Thanks again.
Michael Page
From: Laura Swenson laurasan@xmission.com
To: Michael Page
Subject: Seeking more information
Michael,I find your cynicism wearying... I will indeed answer your questions, But it seems as though a little redundant inmany ways. Your attitude suggests a certain indifference, and I believe in the bible it mentions not to cast pearls before swine, and the gospel is a pearl of very great price, so I will refrain from speaking as openly as I havehitherto done. If you are sincerely interested, I'm sure you can find a way of expressing that. But I know this to bechurch to be true, without a doubt. If I could only speak as an angel, to the convincing of all men, I would be happy.Garments are a sacred reminder of who we are the covenants we have made with God in His holy temples. They donot come in colors, and there is much symbolism involved in the covering. Garments set us apart from the world,and act as a shield and protectorate for is throughout life from the buffetings of Satan. I'll skip the comment on Brother Marriott, except to say that there are more Mormons in upper class positions thatyou would guess, and no, there are no special discounts, although I think you already knew that. Polygamy hasn't been an accepted of Mormonism for over 100 years, which would explain the lack of advertising,so don't let that be a draw to the religion for you - you will be disappointed. :) Tithing is a principle of the church that I have a firm testimony of. When you say Mormons are required to pay 10%tithing, it is not a question of whether they can be a Mormon if they do or not. In ancient times, Israel offered blood sacrifices to the Lord as a symbol of their devotion to him, among other things. Tithing is a similar principle, and I have never gone without anything as a result of paying tithing. The Lord knows our needs and provides, and we areblessed for having the faith to live this principle. The funds go to build new temples and chapels all over the world, as well as support educational programs and charities. There is no application. Read the Book of Mormon if you'd like to see any other terms, restrictions, or otherwise fine print, but I think you will find no surprises. Thank you for your interest and time, it's been educational for us both, I'd dare assume.
Your loving sister in Christ,
Laura Swenson
laurasan@xmission.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The one great God looked down and smiled And counted each his loving child; For Turk, and Brahmin, Monk, and Jew Had reached Him through the Gods they knew."~Harry Romaine
From: Michael Page
To: Laura Swenson laurasan@xmission.com
Subject: Seeking more information
Dear: Laura Thank you for your response to my questions. I apologize if I sound cynical, but over the last few weeks I have been inundated with people pitching me their religion, and as you can understand I am a bit confused on the matter. But the information you supplied has been very helpful. I am glad there are people in public relations such as yourself who can answer my request for information. Some other religions, which will rename nameless, have not beenas helpful and it is very doubtful if I will join them now. I like the idea of wearing a sacred garment around all the time as a buffering against Satan. Although from the way Isee it, you are still exposing your head to Satan, or do you also provide a special cap? I am sorry to hear that you do not offer any special hotel discounts but since there seem to be a lot of powerfulpeople belonging to your organization with whom I am sure I can schmooze and network, for travel discounts andmaybe even small electrical appliances. I am also sorry to hear about the polygamy has been discontinued, if you ever decide to bring it back I think it willbe a great marketing tool. Thank you very much for your time and information. Would it be possible to try out your special garments for a few weeks to test out its powers? I currently wear amedium large.
Thank you for your time and patients.
Michael Page
From: Laura Swenson laurasan@xmission.com
To: Michael Page
Subject: Seeking more information.
Dear Michael,
> I am glad there are people in public relations such as your self who can answer my request for information. Some other religions, which will rename nameless, have not been as helpful and it is very doubtful if I will join them now.
While I thank you for your compliment in regards to our interrogation sessions, I really must remind you that there isonly one true church upon the face of the earth, I belong to it, and anybody may that would like to. Nobody,however, should base a decision like that on the helpfulness of their PR, but on an inner conviction that it's right, anda desire to learn more. The church is perfect, the people - although they are working toward it - are not.
> I like the idea of wearing a sacred garment around all the time as a buffering against Satan. Although from the way I see it, you are still exposing your head to Satan, or do you also provide a special cap?
Skip this one... have you ever seen a Mormon? That's a legitimate question, and one I should ask before I mentionthat no, we do not have special caps, and that the garment is symbolic of covenants we have made, it is thosecovenants, as much or more than the garment, that keep us safe.
>organization with whom I am sure I can schmooze and network, for travel discounts and maybe even small electrical appliances.
This is a religion, not an auction
>I am also sorry to hear about the polygamy has been discontinued, if you ever decide to bring it back I think it will be a great marketing tool.
We have the truth, the fullness of the gospel of Jesus Christ, the Plan of Salvation, the keys to happiness and eternallife - those attributes speak for themselves to the hearts of the members and those with ears to hear. We need nomarketing tools, because we are not in competition for the number of members. We are working to save souls, not for numbers, but because we know the value of what we have and wish to share it.
>Thank you very much for your time and information.
You're very welcome!
>Would it be possible to try out your special garments for a few weeks to test out its powers? I currently wear a medium large.
Learn about the Gospel, and you'll understand the garments. You don't "test drive" them, any more than you could"test drive" the covenants they represent. A covenant is a binding agreement, and I'm sure you agree that it is anadmirable and ever-diminishing quality to find one who will keep his word. You don't try it out and decide you don'tlike it, this is a serious commitment I feel you are making a mockery of.
>Thank you for your time and patients.
Patience is a Virtue, patients are what we are in the healing hands of the Lord. Michael, I will readily admit that I know very little about you, your background, for all I know your name isn't even Michael. None of that matters, I'm just pointing out that via email all I can do is tell you what I believe, in faith thatno matter how cynical you seem in your questions, you either are learning a little about our faith, or a little aboutsome of the members, since it seems you have done your homework on the faith already to some extent. I hope thatwhat you are finding furthers whatever cause you have for writing. I will say, once again, that I value my testimony ofthis gospel more than any of my possessions, and would appreciate your consideration and mutual courtesy in yourtone and manner. I will answer whatever you send me, because I have nothing to hide. But the manner in which thequestions are presented affords the Lord some degree of respect or disrespect, in whichever light they are asked. I love Him, He is my best friend, and has given me more in my life than I could ever repay Him for. I write because ofthis love, and the appreciation I have for the gospel in my life, the incredible blessing it is to know who I am, where Icame from, why I am here, and where I am going, without a doubt. I am not writing to convince you or to convertyou, but because you asked the questions and I love to share. Please keep that in mind, it is not a game to me, or aconquest for converts, just a way to spread the truth to those who haven't heard the wonderful news yet, that thetruth is on the earth again! Thank you for your time, it's been a good experience for me.
Laura Swenson
laurasan@xmission.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What win I, if I gain the thing I seek.A dream, a breath, a froth of fleeting joy.Who buys a minute's mirth to wail a week?Or sells eternity to get a toy?For one sweet grape who will vine destroy?Or what fond beggar, but to touch the crown,Would the sceptre straight be strucken down?~ William Shakespeare
From: Michael Page
To: Laura Swenson laurasan@xmission.com
Subject: Seeking more information
Thank you again for your response to your inquiry. You have been very helpful in answering my questions, and Ilook forward to learning more about your God and Savior when I find sometime. I am also planning on travelling toUtah within the next year or so. Maybe I can drop by and check out a few of your churches as well as try on a fewgarments, I think it will be a very educational experience. Thank you again for your time. Michael Page
No comments:
Post a Comment